Of puzzles and tapestries

 Slowly but surely, change happens. 

Just like the buds burst forth after a long winter spell, bringing rays of hope, light and warmth, surely, change will come. Each day bringing an even brighter ray of hope and the trust that everything is beautiful if given some time. 

I look back now and I can't help but see it was a puzzle. If I had known it was a puzzle, would I have been more patient? I honestly don't know the answer to that. 

At those very dark hours, it seemed I was all alone. Oh, there were people all around me, but not one recognized or fully understood my pain. Like the face mask distorts the face, I wore a mask around my emotions, my fears, my concerns. Of course, a slip here, a comment there, and sometimes, people will pause to ask if all was well. I'd smile and move on, of course all was well. Why wouldn't all be well? Then behind closed doors, on lonely paths, in the shower, I'd scream and shout and ask God why?

The dark days- colorless. Bland. Faded. Why am I here? What am I doing? Can I go back? Will anyone understand? Can anyone hear me?

The few people I confided in tried, but I guess there was a wall, they never really understood. Oh, bless their hearts, they tried, but somehow, I seemed more desperate after our conversations. One thing I do know, is that they prayed for me. I felt the prayers swirl around me. Like a shawl, a feeling of warmth and love would hold me, like an embrace, momentarily, then gradually dissipate. I felt it at different times, and I knew then, that prayer works! 

Everyday felt like an extension of the previous day- dark, dreary and bleak. I wondered how much longer I could take it. It was a guessing game to me. I wondered when I would say enough! 

At the moment when I thought- this is it! I'm throwing in the towel, the light came. It wasn't bright and cheerful, it was more like a shadow, like something coming in the dark, but bringing hope. I could feel it. I knew it was hope, Hope for me.

It came, an answer to the over one million prayer requests I had dispatched to God.  A little thing, If I wasn't vigilant, I would have missed it. Then another, and another. They came in trickles, just enough to remind me that my cries were heard, my feelings valid.   

Now I see it, the Puzzle that was my life at the time, not too long ago. Until the picture was complete, I didn't even realize that phase was a puzzle, a beautiful tapestry, woven together by a thread which was invisible at the time. Not sure I handled it as I should. Not sure I learned all the lessons I should have. Not sure if anything that happened at that point in my life, BUT, I am sure of one thing His Grace never let me go! No matter how far I walked, He walked with me. The doubt in my head and heart? He put His Hands over my shoulders and walked with me. My cries? He cried some too, then He put my head close to His heart. 

 

Yes, I am sure that nothing can separate us from the love God has for us. Not death, not life, not angels, not ruling spirits, nothing now, nothing in the future, no powers, nothing above us, nothing below us, or anything else in the whole world will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8: 38-39