Do your thing

I found this picture on Twitter (@Nilaija_PR) and I jumped right in. It was supposed to be a poem, I have no idea what I did, but I like it! 

Here goes-

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Like Joan of Arc, I was tied to a stake. 

A tag of a witch on a broom is all it would take

to set the mob on edge. Bound like a thief

I was allowed my clothes and given grief

Then came the debris- paper, some nylons, and kerosine

placed deliberately like a chef does food prep at a cusine

To my surprise, a joint was stuck in my mouth

just before the match was lit and tossed douth

direclty beneath my feet, I watched the fire lick up the paper

the nylons melting in submission to the flames, I needed no wager

to know my time here was almost up. 

I did the best thing I could at this moment

oh yes, I am all for enjoyment!

I bent over to reach the flames

I might as well enjoy this last high before the angry flames comes for its claim.

Friends and strangers

It was a perfectly wrapped ball of yarn, colorful and neat, until one tiny string found its way out of the pack, and everything unraveled. It happened so fast. One minute, everything was together, and the next minute, chaos abound.

I think the most fascinating thing for me, was discovering that I didn’t really have as many friends as I thought. My tight-knit friend circle melted like ice-cream in the summer’s heat. I thought I was loved, was I really? Were people merely tolerating me? Am I such a bad person? How couldn’t they see that my world was upside down? Did I give the impression that I always had it together? If I did, I’m sorry! I am human, I don’t have it all together! I want to scream and yell and cry and moan. Instead, I smile and act like all is well. All is not well right now! Look a little deeper. Ask me how I feel, not just because it’s the thing to ask, but because you really care! See the hurt in my eyes that’s rooted straight from my heart. Feel the pain in my soul. Bang on that shut door till I open the door!

I am not okay!

I lost a part of me and I feel so low, but the world is moving on. How can the world move on like nothing happened? Is there no one who really cares for me? Cousins, aunties, uncles, friends? No one really wants to know what is happening?

The part that makes me laugh always, is the fact that those I never counted as near and dear, where the ones who stood close. How ironic! The ones I tagged “my people” are the ones acting like strangers.

I’ve learned a big lesson from this- never underestimate people. Never place people in a pedestal, sometimes they don’t need to be elevated.

My plans? Evaluate my friends list. I need people who I can rely on when I need a shoulder to lean on. Like-minded friends who have fun when it’s time, work smart at every opportunity and accomplish goals when set. A circle of friends who’ve “got me” at all times!

Do you have a circle? Who are those in it?

The Blessing in Disappointments

Isn’t it funny how we give the best advice when we are not in the shoes of the person hurting? How odd is it that when we are dished the same advice we gave, we are unable to swallow it?

I told Ade, my best friend, who was very disappointed about a job she applied for and didn’t get, to “wear your big girl pants and move on.” It seemed like the best thing to say at that time. We had gone through the entire process together, and after the 3 round of interviews with the “powers that be,” we had danced and thought it was a “done-deal.” It was shocking when she got that rejection letter to be honest.

I cried with her—for all the hours wasted mock-interviewing, researching, and the most painful part: planning. Oh, we had spent hours dreaming about how we would spend the new salary (an extra vacation, new shoes and a “Christian Dior VIII Grand Bal Ceramic Women's Watch!”) I think that was the most painful part to her was the fact that the vacation ended before we even got tickets. Oh well, we needed to move on.

Fast-forward to me, hoping to get a promotion. To be fair, I was supposed to be promoted. The appraisals were perfect, commendations from top-management, I had crushed my targets, and my colleagues were rooting for me. It was a mega-sucker-punch. It hit me when I least expected it, sucked the wind right out of me. Why was I denied? I had done everything I could, yet I didn’t get it. Life was so unfair!

I looked at the list of those who got promoted. I guess they deserved it. I tried to be happy for them, but it was as painful as breathing with cracked ribs. I could see the pitying looks shared by my colleagues as they all looked up from the email at me. I needed to breathe.

What on earth was that? Who took my name off the list?

Why? How? When?

The questions were unending. I barely made it to the end of the day, grabbed my bag and headed for our “corner” to meet Ade, who was waiting for me. Bless her heart—she had a bottle of our celebration wine chilling on ice. I poured out my heart, and we cried together. I think she remembered her still fresh disappointment, so the tears flowed real fast. Then she served it. Cold and ugly: “Wear your big girl pants, go back to work tomorrow and keep being the best at everything you are good at”.

When we were done crying, we concluded the following:

1.      Disappointments are life’s way of keeping you in balance. No one likes the feeling, but somehow they keep you grounded.

2.      No one is ever prepared to be disappointed. If it happens to you, it’s not because you are worse off than anyone, it is just a part of life. Deal with it!

3.      You can’t stop just because what you expected didn’t happen. You’ve got to “man up!”

4.      Make a concrete plan to move on.

I itemized the next step and how to actualize it. One thing was clear: We were leaving no stones unturned.

We both moved on with our best lives, and guess what? Ade got a job two steps above her. She was recommended by her manager, and her life transformed before our eyes. I finally got the promotion, but I was no longer pining for it. I had my eyes on a new role at work, and I was polishing my resume to get it. The new objective? To win all the way!

Brink...

 

How many No’s are enough? At what point is it ok?

I tell myself I’m going to lose it if I get one more no. I think my heart can’t take it. I hear my blood raging within me. My ears are drumming with disbelief, eye huge from surprise? What did I just read? What?? Without my Sphygmomanometer, I already have a clear picture of the reading- 190/150 and I hear my doctor’s voice in my head-“You have to take it easy, your blood pressure is rising too fast, there’s so much medication can cover.”

I shut out his voice and put a hand over my left breast, and tell my heart to calm down. Softly babe, let’s not jump to conclusions. I remember the movie 3 Idiots, and pat my heart fondly and tell it, all is well! Does my heart hear me? I think so. It take a long while, but with my minds ear (everyone says mind’s eye, I guess I’m allowed to have a mind’s ear just this once), I hear the brakes screeching to a halt. It takes a while, but we are back on track. The accelerated heartbeat gradually comes to a slow run. “Better!” I think to myself. No need getting a heart attack right now.

So back to my musing- I literally feel attacked by the barrage of No’s I have since January began. It feels like “something” removed me from the YES line and glued me to the queue right in front of NO’s. I am exhausted from pretending to be okay. I am not okay. I don’t want another No. I want a yes.

I am angry, and sad, and frustrated and sick. Why? I want to shout and rage and cry and let my emotions wash over me, but I can’t even have a decent cry by myself. I am tired of people telling me it will get better. Have you had the number of doors slammed in your face as I have? I thought not. I want someone to call me to check on me. To send me some money to make me feel better. To cry with me. To laugh with me when our eyes are red, our faces are streaked from crying and we have mucus running down our noses. To take me out to go have ice-cream. To sit quietly with me and allow the silence speak to us. To remind me of the word of God that says He will never abandon me.

Heck, I want God to show up for me, and tell me to be still. To show me the picture of my future where it will be good and rosy. To re-assure me. To pick me up and carry me through this tough time.

I feel it again, the cold fingers creeping up my arms, the tendrils of despair crawling in, taking over…the numbness of my mind, the doubt growing. My confidence is seeping out, my strength is failing me, I do not remember who I am…

Of puzzles and tapestries

 Slowly but surely, change happens. 

Just like the buds burst forth after a long winter spell, bringing rays of hope, light and warmth, surely, change will come. Each day bringing an even brighter ray of hope and the trust that everything is beautiful if given some time. 

I look back now and I can't help but see it was a puzzle. If I had known it was a puzzle, would I have been more patient? I honestly don't know the answer to that. 

At those very dark hours, it seemed I was all alone. Oh, there were people all around me, but not one recognized or fully understood my pain. Like the face mask distorts the face, I wore a mask around my emotions, my fears, my concerns. Of course, a slip here, a comment there, and sometimes, people will pause to ask if all was well. I'd smile and move on, of course all was well. Why wouldn't all be well? Then behind closed doors, on lonely paths, in the shower, I'd scream and shout and ask God why?

The dark days- colorless. Bland. Faded. Why am I here? What am I doing? Can I go back? Will anyone understand? Can anyone hear me?

The few people I confided in tried, but I guess there was a wall, they never really understood. Oh, bless their hearts, they tried, but somehow, I seemed more desperate after our conversations. One thing I do know, is that they prayed for me. I felt the prayers swirl around me. Like a shawl, a feeling of warmth and love would hold me, like an embrace, momentarily, then gradually dissipate. I felt it at different times, and I knew then, that prayer works! 

Everyday felt like an extension of the previous day- dark, dreary and bleak. I wondered how much longer I could take it. It was a guessing game to me. I wondered when I would say enough! 

At the moment when I thought- this is it! I'm throwing in the towel, the light came. It wasn't bright and cheerful, it was more like a shadow, like something coming in the dark, but bringing hope. I could feel it. I knew it was hope, Hope for me.

It came, an answer to the over one million prayer requests I had dispatched to God.  A little thing, If I wasn't vigilant, I would have missed it. Then another, and another. They came in trickles, just enough to remind me that my cries were heard, my feelings valid.   

Now I see it, the Puzzle that was my life at the time, not too long ago. Until the picture was complete, I didn't even realize that phase was a puzzle, a beautiful tapestry, woven together by a thread which was invisible at the time. Not sure I handled it as I should. Not sure I learned all the lessons I should have. Not sure if anything that happened at that point in my life, BUT, I am sure of one thing His Grace never let me go! No matter how far I walked, He walked with me. The doubt in my head and heart? He put His Hands over my shoulders and walked with me. My cries? He cried some too, then He put my head close to His heart. 

 

Yes, I am sure that nothing can separate us from the love God has for us. Not death, not life, not angels, not ruling spirits, nothing now, nothing in the future, no powers, nothing above us, nothing below us, or anything else in the whole world will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8: 38-39

Served!

 Sometimes life comes at you so hard, it leaves you reeling and wondering what hit you.

Somedays are better than others, you get up, dust yourself and move on. Other days? Not so much. You can't even lift a limb to save your life. You just sit there wallowing in misery, wondering who scammed you into growing up. 

"They" made us believe that growing up was that perfect life- no one to tell you what to do, you decide what is important, you just chill and flex, you want to bamba, chill with the big boys, right? Scam!!! The responsibilities are endless. It's like a game where you have to keep alert, or something comes from your blindside, knocks the wind right out of you if you are not watchful. The bills, the job, the career ladder, the relationships, self-development, healthcare, if you are a Nigerian- that one sef dey! ..the list is endless. 

One swing, then another, then another, all in quick succession. No one teaches you the art of ducking the blows, you just wing it, hoping on God that you pass that phase. Does it ever stop? Not while you're alive I think. The pattern may change, but the life cycle still remains regardless of your achievement and status. It just never stops!

I was talking about the good days before I got distracted. After having the bad days that humbles you to the ground, you become grateful for days that just "shift" you a little and leave you standing. It's for such times that we count our blessings and know that "everything good will come!" It may be hard, but just remember that it will get better. One day you will look back and smile and be thankful that it is better! I was giving Ryan a bath the other day and he just said from the blues, "You're a good mummy". I almost cried and gave him a tight hug, soap suds and all. That made my day. To think the day before I was feeling very sorry for myself. That moment, I realized that everything will be alright in the end, so if it's not alright, then it's not the end.

Remember to smile often. You'd never know who needs that glorious lift. 

Laugh when you can, I promise you look a lot nicer when you do.

Dance more often. No one really sees the missed steps, they remember how you warmed their hearts and join in the dance. Always dance like you're the only one there.

Live one day at a time. The trouble tomorrow brings will be handled by tomorrow. Focus on the now that you have. We are not promised tomorrow, but today is what we have.

I saw a post by The Skilled Muslimah and it sums how I feel very nicely- "Eat your breakfast and don't choke on it".

"...gbogbo wa lama je breakfast!"

A Hug

 

I got a hug today!

 

…from a total stranger. I was shocked. All I said to her was a “hello” (with a big smile), and she stopped in her tracks. That made me pause as well. Did I say something wrong? I saw her searching my eyes, wanting to know if I really meant well. I offered a smile and proceeded to be on my way. 

From my view, it looked like she needed a kind word, scratch that, she needed kindness. She walked like the weight of the world was on her shoulder, back hunched and face long. I wonder what’s going on behind that pretty face.

Mind your business babe, I said to myself. I had a class, 3 meetings back to back, and 2 assignments that didn’t look very friendly, plus my backpack felt like I was going camping (could it really be only my laptop and 1 notebook in there?). I had my own troubles, I thought, and needed to be on the move.

She raised her hand, ever so slightly, if I wasn’t paying attention, I would have missed it. I stopped again, and asked her with a smile- “did you say something?”

“No, not really. I just wanted to say thank you for saying hello. I really needed an assurance that I wasn’t totally alone. Your kindness reassured me that everything will be fine, so thank you, for being so kind!”

“You’re welcome”, I said. The strangest thing happened then, like old friends, we smiled in unison and stretched out our arms and hugged, bade our goodbyes and went on our way. 

For me, I had a skip in my steps, forgetting the heavy backpack for a minute, and telling myself those assignments can’t be that difficult.

I didn’t get her name, but her smile will stay with me!

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I know it's been ages, Life has really happened to me and I hope your life has been beautiful too these past years? I'm not promising I'll post as regularly as I used to, but I am promising to try my best! To put out my words when I have them and enjoy the sanity that this place brings me. 

Thank you, from my heart!

The world as we know it now!

With the lift of the COVID 19 #lockdown in Nigeria, we have seen and heard of so much evil, it is scary. The increasing number of rape cases has made it necessary for us as a people to ensure we teach our children the right things. Parents need to educate both the boy child and female child- Teach the female child to stay safe always and teach the male child to protect the girl always!

A friend was lamenting the other day about how things generally die down after a while here in Nigeria, and I told her its because we have a very short attention span for things. In a bid to have the "happening gist" we tend to move on too quickly to the next big news without concluding serious prevailing issues at hand. Much too quickly, we move on, forgetting that nothing has been done about it, and that nothing will be done about it till it rears its ugly head again. 

The month of June seemed to be a whisper of a promise, a glimmer of hope to many, but so far, all we have heard in Lagos where I live is one case of bad news after another, particularly concerning rape cases. It started with the #JusticeforTina movemnet. No, she wasn't raped, well, not physically. Her life was raped and cut shot by the very people who swore to protect the Nigerian citizenry- our Police. A trigger-happy policeman shot her for no apparent reason. A girl full of promise, the apple of her parents eye. Her life was just snuffed out like a candle, just because the policeman failed to exercise caution. 

Then we woke up a few days after, barely a week, to hear about Uwaila Vera who was brutally raped when she was studying at a church close to her home. She was in her first year in University and had the habit of going to read at the Church to avoid distractions even though school was temporary closed due to the prevailing COVID19 pandemic.  She however didn't die immediately, she died a few days after at the hospital. The #JusticeforUwa hadn't even "caused a stir" yet when we heard of another case in Jigawa state. A little girl of 12 was raped by 11 men. How sad can it get? A little girl is supposed to enjoy her innocence, yet she was brutally raped by a gang of men. Like it wasn't enough, there was the case in Ibadan, Oyo State where a girl was raped and murdered in her fathers house!

The #Saynotorape campaign is one we all need to carry with our chests. It is not enough to say the girls wear skimpy clothes or they asked for it. If a girl says no, she means no! No stories, no excuses... Same applies to a boy of course. Even if she parades the streets naked, it is not enough to rape her! What are you, an animal?

We all need to lend our voices this time around (and with all other cases too) to say #EnoughisEnough. #SayNoToRape. While this campaign may not save the others who have been raped in the past, we can lend our voices to ensure that our girls are protected going forward! No child deserves to feel unsafe. No child deserves to be molested, or have her dreams dashed. No child deserves the pain and horror. No child deserves to go through this!

We really need the grace to follow thorough on our passion in crying for justice, especially now that the entire world is crying for justice and asking for things to be set right. On the foreign scene, the fight for #blacklivesmatter continues following the recent killings of black skinned people. Blacks are humans too! They have blood flowing thorough their veins and have emotions. You can't just kill them or feel privileged because of the colour of your skin. #RIPBreonnaTaylor #RIPGeorgeFloyd. I was shocked when I read this article here about the number of cases before now. 

All these happening just when we thought the world was cleansing itself after the lock-down. We really need to do better as a race. 

We need to spread love not hate.

Be our brothers keeper.

Look out for one another.

Love. Love. Love!

Stand up for the truth.

Fight for the truth.

Stay Safe too.

Love, light and peace!

Corona Diaries- June 2019

A lot has happened since January when news of Corona Virus made the world scramble for safety and revalue our hygiene as a people. The things we took for granted suddenly became thongs to long for as the very recent past was referred to with nostalgia. One night we were fine and doing well, and the next morning we were scared beyond belief. The corona virus which was first seen in a tiny village of Wuhan in China suddenly grew wings and was spreading, spreading so fast and causing so much damage, leaving in its trail death and despair...it also helped us see as a people the need to show love just because.

As soon as the numbers began climbing in Lagos, I had already done my own #Lockdown in my family, no going out, no buying stuff. we were all just staying in. At first it was an opportunity to just laze about, load up on Tv and just chill. Then the children started getting bored, we the adult also started getting bored. The kitchen became a major attraction as we all started looking for what to munch on constantly. we cooked up a storm using new recipes we would never ordinarily have tired out as we had all the time in the world. we baked, we grilled, we fried and we made different kinds of salads...above all, we bonded so much. As a matter of fact, I learned so many new stuff and I will be sharing some of them on my business blog. I also had a chance to catch up on several DIY practicals I had abandoned due to lack of time or other more pressing needs.

Did I also mention that at first I felt really bad about the many free online (Instagram) classes I was missing out on because I was never online at the right time? I felt like I was wasting away my time while others were doing productive stuff, and these so called influencers didn't help matters the way they kept breathing down our necks with one free zoom class after another. I finally had a talk with myself and moved on without them, attended one or 2 classes when the reminders popped up but never felt bad about not being there again. I took one HBS online course (free) which I totally loved, signed up for a photography class, a French class (which is ongoing) and even had time to work on my website (spiritual work lol, as it hasn't even been effected yet).

Now, the lockdown has been lifted, with restricted movement (which I do not understand- I mean is the virus going to go on a break when the world goes on a break?- but will not question. Lagosians have gone back to the hustle and bustle and some have said the virus was just a scam, that it doesn't exist. What a shame! So the people that have died passed on from what please? Because something doesn't directly affect you exist doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. You have just been fortunate not to have it or know anyone who does.

We now go about with masks and there are sanitizers everywhere and hand wash stations too. Our children are still home, because of course the schools are not open. Not like we would send them off to school should they reopen now by the way! Life as we know it has changed, it is no longer business as usual. Some people have lost their means of livelihood. Some made mega bucks during the lockdown. Some people found a new lease for life and are now living the life they only before dreamed about. Some have made it a point of duty to turn to beggars on the street by day time and robbers by night time.

The virus has come to stay, and our lives have to move on, but we must be careful of the choices we make daily as they have a way of impacting not just our immediate environment, but the world at large.

#StayHome
#StaySafe

What would you do differently if you knew the cost of your decision today?

Recently, I have seen quite a number of people make decisions based on current prevailing situations. Not necessarily decisions that they are proud of, but choices made because they assumed that was the best for them in that situation and at that time.

For instance, a recently widowed young mother of 2 girls who had no job and no means of livelihood to survive on after her husband's demise. She sought for a job with her friends and tried all she knew. She was willing to become a commercial sex worker just to feed her little girls. She found a rich man who could have helped her out, but the man wanted her oldest daughter instead. She fought with the idea only for a few minutes, and sent her daughter into the dark cold tunnel of prostitution. She was only 14 years old when she was pushed to become a whore to feed her family.

Or is it the case of the woman who maltreated her daughter because she was the product of a gang rape? She never got to know who the real father was and took out her vexation on the poor innocent child!

A young girl tried very hard to loose her job (she needed her boss to fire her) so she could get benefits from the company which would help her establish her business. She tried so hard and prayed so much to get fired. Her boss got to find out why she kept frustrating him and trying to run down the company so he promised her that despite her misdemeanour, he wouldn't fire her. She finally got kicked by her conscience and tendered her resignation on her own. Of course she didn't get the severance package. I thought long and hard about it. If she knew her effort would be futile, would she have been so mischievous? Would she have continued to work indefinitely just for that juicy package?

An orphaned gigolo lost his only sister and best friend because his lover's husband found out about his wife's illicit affair. He became a gigolo not because he wanted to, but because he thought it was the only way out of poverty. He wanted a new life for his sister and couldn't bear to see her lack anything. As she breathe her last in his arms, his mind flashed back to the day he made up his mind to become a gigolo. Had he known it would end this way, what would he have done different? 

I saw a movie yesterday that prompted this post. So a woman raised her daughter as a single mom. They were both very happy and seemingly inseparable, regardless of their very average standard of living (The mum had a restaurant and the girl was a clerk at a supermarket). Till the daughter found out that her father (oh yes, she had a father) who had just passed on was a billionaire and had made her CEO of his company (and group of subsidiaries). The daughter was beyond mad at her mom and refused to talk to her for over a month. Her grouse? Why would her mum deny her of spending at lease 11 years with her father? What right did she have to take away her ability to choose who she wanted to be with. Her mum obviously had her reasons for lying to her for her whole life but was her reason really tenable? Should she have chosen for her? Would she have made the same decision today if she knew the outcome of her decision over 10 years ago?

This begs the question- If you know today the answer to a question asked over a decade ago, would your answer still be the same? Would you make the same choice? Would you do that thing? Or would you change your decision and chart another path?

If you knew today that what you had planned for your life over 7 years ago would lead you to where you are today, would you still go on that journey? Would you do something differently?