Brink...

 

How many No’s are enough? At what point is it ok?

I tell myself I’m going to lose it if I get one more no. I think my heart can’t take it. I hear my blood raging within me. My ears are drumming with disbelief, eye huge from surprise? What did I just read? What?? Without my Sphygmomanometer, I already have a clear picture of the reading- 190/150 and I hear my doctor’s voice in my head-“You have to take it easy, your blood pressure is rising too fast, there’s so much medication can cover.”

I shut out his voice and put a hand over my left breast, and tell my heart to calm down. Softly babe, let’s not jump to conclusions. I remember the movie 3 Idiots, and pat my heart fondly and tell it, all is well! Does my heart hear me? I think so. It take a long while, but with my minds ear (everyone says mind’s eye, I guess I’m allowed to have a mind’s ear just this once), I hear the brakes screeching to a halt. It takes a while, but we are back on track. The accelerated heartbeat gradually comes to a slow run. “Better!” I think to myself. No need getting a heart attack right now.

So back to my musing- I literally feel attacked by the barrage of No’s I have since January began. It feels like “something” removed me from the YES line and glued me to the queue right in front of NO’s. I am exhausted from pretending to be okay. I am not okay. I don’t want another No. I want a yes.

I am angry, and sad, and frustrated and sick. Why? I want to shout and rage and cry and let my emotions wash over me, but I can’t even have a decent cry by myself. I am tired of people telling me it will get better. Have you had the number of doors slammed in your face as I have? I thought not. I want someone to call me to check on me. To send me some money to make me feel better. To cry with me. To laugh with me when our eyes are red, our faces are streaked from crying and we have mucus running down our noses. To take me out to go have ice-cream. To sit quietly with me and allow the silence speak to us. To remind me of the word of God that says He will never abandon me.

Heck, I want God to show up for me, and tell me to be still. To show me the picture of my future where it will be good and rosy. To re-assure me. To pick me up and carry me through this tough time.

I feel it again, the cold fingers creeping up my arms, the tendrils of despair crawling in, taking over…the numbness of my mind, the doubt growing. My confidence is seeping out, my strength is failing me, I do not remember who I am…