Friends and strangers

It was a perfectly wrapped ball of yarn, colorful and neat, until one tiny string found its way out of the pack, and everything unraveled. It happened so fast. One minute, everything was together, and the next minute, chaos abound.

I think the most fascinating thing for me, was discovering that I didn’t really have as many friends as I thought. My tight-knit friend circle melted like ice-cream in the summer’s heat. I thought I was loved, was I really? Were people merely tolerating me? Am I such a bad person? How couldn’t they see that my world was upside down? Did I give the impression that I always had it together? If I did, I’m sorry! I am human, I don’t have it all together! I want to scream and yell and cry and moan. Instead, I smile and act like all is well. All is not well right now! Look a little deeper. Ask me how I feel, not just because it’s the thing to ask, but because you really care! See the hurt in my eyes that’s rooted straight from my heart. Feel the pain in my soul. Bang on that shut door till I open the door!

I am not okay!

I lost a part of me and I feel so low, but the world is moving on. How can the world move on like nothing happened? Is there no one who really cares for me? Cousins, aunties, uncles, friends? No one really wants to know what is happening?

The part that makes me laugh always, is the fact that those I never counted as near and dear, where the ones who stood close. How ironic! The ones I tagged “my people” are the ones acting like strangers.

I’ve learned a big lesson from this- never underestimate people. Never place people in a pedestal, sometimes they don’t need to be elevated.

My plans? Evaluate my friends list. I need people who I can rely on when I need a shoulder to lean on. Like-minded friends who have fun when it’s time, work smart at every opportunity and accomplish goals when set. A circle of friends who’ve “got me” at all times!

Do you have a circle? Who are those in it?

The Blessing in Disappointments

Isn’t it funny how we give the best advice when we are not in the shoes of the person hurting? How odd is it that when we are dished the same advice we gave, we are unable to swallow it?

I told Ade, my best friend, who was very disappointed about a job she applied for and didn’t get, to “wear your big girl pants and move on.” It seemed like the best thing to say at that time. We had gone through the entire process together, and after the 3 round of interviews with the “powers that be,” we had danced and thought it was a “done-deal.” It was shocking when she got that rejection letter to be honest.

I cried with her—for all the hours wasted mock-interviewing, researching, and the most painful part: planning. Oh, we had spent hours dreaming about how we would spend the new salary (an extra vacation, new shoes and a “Christian Dior VIII Grand Bal Ceramic Women's Watch!”) I think that was the most painful part to her was the fact that the vacation ended before we even got tickets. Oh well, we needed to move on.

Fast-forward to me, hoping to get a promotion. To be fair, I was supposed to be promoted. The appraisals were perfect, commendations from top-management, I had crushed my targets, and my colleagues were rooting for me. It was a mega-sucker-punch. It hit me when I least expected it, sucked the wind right out of me. Why was I denied? I had done everything I could, yet I didn’t get it. Life was so unfair!

I looked at the list of those who got promoted. I guess they deserved it. I tried to be happy for them, but it was as painful as breathing with cracked ribs. I could see the pitying looks shared by my colleagues as they all looked up from the email at me. I needed to breathe.

What on earth was that? Who took my name off the list?

Why? How? When?

The questions were unending. I barely made it to the end of the day, grabbed my bag and headed for our “corner” to meet Ade, who was waiting for me. Bless her heart—she had a bottle of our celebration wine chilling on ice. I poured out my heart, and we cried together. I think she remembered her still fresh disappointment, so the tears flowed real fast. Then she served it. Cold and ugly: “Wear your big girl pants, go back to work tomorrow and keep being the best at everything you are good at”.

When we were done crying, we concluded the following:

1.      Disappointments are life’s way of keeping you in balance. No one likes the feeling, but somehow they keep you grounded.

2.      No one is ever prepared to be disappointed. If it happens to you, it’s not because you are worse off than anyone, it is just a part of life. Deal with it!

3.      You can’t stop just because what you expected didn’t happen. You’ve got to “man up!”

4.      Make a concrete plan to move on.

I itemized the next step and how to actualize it. One thing was clear: We were leaving no stones unturned.

We both moved on with our best lives, and guess what? Ade got a job two steps above her. She was recommended by her manager, and her life transformed before our eyes. I finally got the promotion, but I was no longer pining for it. I had my eyes on a new role at work, and I was polishing my resume to get it. The new objective? To win all the way!

Brink...

 

How many No’s are enough? At what point is it ok?

I tell myself I’m going to lose it if I get one more no. I think my heart can’t take it. I hear my blood raging within me. My ears are drumming with disbelief, eye huge from surprise? What did I just read? What?? Without my Sphygmomanometer, I already have a clear picture of the reading- 190/150 and I hear my doctor’s voice in my head-“You have to take it easy, your blood pressure is rising too fast, there’s so much medication can cover.”

I shut out his voice and put a hand over my left breast, and tell my heart to calm down. Softly babe, let’s not jump to conclusions. I remember the movie 3 Idiots, and pat my heart fondly and tell it, all is well! Does my heart hear me? I think so. It take a long while, but with my minds ear (everyone says mind’s eye, I guess I’m allowed to have a mind’s ear just this once), I hear the brakes screeching to a halt. It takes a while, but we are back on track. The accelerated heartbeat gradually comes to a slow run. “Better!” I think to myself. No need getting a heart attack right now.

So back to my musing- I literally feel attacked by the barrage of No’s I have since January began. It feels like “something” removed me from the YES line and glued me to the queue right in front of NO’s. I am exhausted from pretending to be okay. I am not okay. I don’t want another No. I want a yes.

I am angry, and sad, and frustrated and sick. Why? I want to shout and rage and cry and let my emotions wash over me, but I can’t even have a decent cry by myself. I am tired of people telling me it will get better. Have you had the number of doors slammed in your face as I have? I thought not. I want someone to call me to check on me. To send me some money to make me feel better. To cry with me. To laugh with me when our eyes are red, our faces are streaked from crying and we have mucus running down our noses. To take me out to go have ice-cream. To sit quietly with me and allow the silence speak to us. To remind me of the word of God that says He will never abandon me.

Heck, I want God to show up for me, and tell me to be still. To show me the picture of my future where it will be good and rosy. To re-assure me. To pick me up and carry me through this tough time.

I feel it again, the cold fingers creeping up my arms, the tendrils of despair crawling in, taking over…the numbness of my mind, the doubt growing. My confidence is seeping out, my strength is failing me, I do not remember who I am…

Of puzzles and tapestries

 Slowly but surely, change happens. 

Just like the buds burst forth after a long winter spell, bringing rays of hope, light and warmth, surely, change will come. Each day bringing an even brighter ray of hope and the trust that everything is beautiful if given some time. 

I look back now and I can't help but see it was a puzzle. If I had known it was a puzzle, would I have been more patient? I honestly don't know the answer to that. 

At those very dark hours, it seemed I was all alone. Oh, there were people all around me, but not one recognized or fully understood my pain. Like the face mask distorts the face, I wore a mask around my emotions, my fears, my concerns. Of course, a slip here, a comment there, and sometimes, people will pause to ask if all was well. I'd smile and move on, of course all was well. Why wouldn't all be well? Then behind closed doors, on lonely paths, in the shower, I'd scream and shout and ask God why?

The dark days- colorless. Bland. Faded. Why am I here? What am I doing? Can I go back? Will anyone understand? Can anyone hear me?

The few people I confided in tried, but I guess there was a wall, they never really understood. Oh, bless their hearts, they tried, but somehow, I seemed more desperate after our conversations. One thing I do know, is that they prayed for me. I felt the prayers swirl around me. Like a shawl, a feeling of warmth and love would hold me, like an embrace, momentarily, then gradually dissipate. I felt it at different times, and I knew then, that prayer works! 

Everyday felt like an extension of the previous day- dark, dreary and bleak. I wondered how much longer I could take it. It was a guessing game to me. I wondered when I would say enough! 

At the moment when I thought- this is it! I'm throwing in the towel, the light came. It wasn't bright and cheerful, it was more like a shadow, like something coming in the dark, but bringing hope. I could feel it. I knew it was hope, Hope for me.

It came, an answer to the over one million prayer requests I had dispatched to God.  A little thing, If I wasn't vigilant, I would have missed it. Then another, and another. They came in trickles, just enough to remind me that my cries were heard, my feelings valid.   

Now I see it, the Puzzle that was my life at the time, not too long ago. Until the picture was complete, I didn't even realize that phase was a puzzle, a beautiful tapestry, woven together by a thread which was invisible at the time. Not sure I handled it as I should. Not sure I learned all the lessons I should have. Not sure if anything that happened at that point in my life, BUT, I am sure of one thing His Grace never let me go! No matter how far I walked, He walked with me. The doubt in my head and heart? He put His Hands over my shoulders and walked with me. My cries? He cried some too, then He put my head close to His heart. 

 

Yes, I am sure that nothing can separate us from the love God has for us. Not death, not life, not angels, not ruling spirits, nothing now, nothing in the future, no powers, nothing above us, nothing below us, or anything else in the whole world will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8: 38-39

Served!

 Sometimes life comes at you so hard, it leaves you reeling and wondering what hit you.

Somedays are better than others, you get up, dust yourself and move on. Other days? Not so much. You can't even lift a limb to save your life. You just sit there wallowing in misery, wondering who scammed you into growing up. 

"They" made us believe that growing up was that perfect life- no one to tell you what to do, you decide what is important, you just chill and flex, you want to bamba, chill with the big boys, right? Scam!!! The responsibilities are endless. It's like a game where you have to keep alert, or something comes from your blindside, knocks the wind right out of you if you are not watchful. The bills, the job, the career ladder, the relationships, self-development, healthcare, if you are a Nigerian- that one sef dey! ..the list is endless. 

One swing, then another, then another, all in quick succession. No one teaches you the art of ducking the blows, you just wing it, hoping on God that you pass that phase. Does it ever stop? Not while you're alive I think. The pattern may change, but the life cycle still remains regardless of your achievement and status. It just never stops!

I was talking about the good days before I got distracted. After having the bad days that humbles you to the ground, you become grateful for days that just "shift" you a little and leave you standing. It's for such times that we count our blessings and know that "everything good will come!" It may be hard, but just remember that it will get better. One day you will look back and smile and be thankful that it is better! I was giving Ryan a bath the other day and he just said from the blues, "You're a good mummy". I almost cried and gave him a tight hug, soap suds and all. That made my day. To think the day before I was feeling very sorry for myself. That moment, I realized that everything will be alright in the end, so if it's not alright, then it's not the end.

Remember to smile often. You'd never know who needs that glorious lift. 

Laugh when you can, I promise you look a lot nicer when you do.

Dance more often. No one really sees the missed steps, they remember how you warmed their hearts and join in the dance. Always dance like you're the only one there.

Live one day at a time. The trouble tomorrow brings will be handled by tomorrow. Focus on the now that you have. We are not promised tomorrow, but today is what we have.

I saw a post by The Skilled Muslimah and it sums how I feel very nicely- "Eat your breakfast and don't choke on it".

"...gbogbo wa lama je breakfast!"

A Hug

 

I got a hug today!

 

…from a total stranger. I was shocked. All I said to her was a “hello” (with a big smile), and she stopped in her tracks. That made me pause as well. Did I say something wrong? I saw her searching my eyes, wanting to know if I really meant well. I offered a smile and proceeded to be on my way. 

From my view, it looked like she needed a kind word, scratch that, she needed kindness. She walked like the weight of the world was on her shoulder, back hunched and face long. I wonder what’s going on behind that pretty face.

Mind your business babe, I said to myself. I had a class, 3 meetings back to back, and 2 assignments that didn’t look very friendly, plus my backpack felt like I was going camping (could it really be only my laptop and 1 notebook in there?). I had my own troubles, I thought, and needed to be on the move.

She raised her hand, ever so slightly, if I wasn’t paying attention, I would have missed it. I stopped again, and asked her with a smile- “did you say something?”

“No, not really. I just wanted to say thank you for saying hello. I really needed an assurance that I wasn’t totally alone. Your kindness reassured me that everything will be fine, so thank you, for being so kind!”

“You’re welcome”, I said. The strangest thing happened then, like old friends, we smiled in unison and stretched out our arms and hugged, bade our goodbyes and went on our way. 

For me, I had a skip in my steps, forgetting the heavy backpack for a minute, and telling myself those assignments can’t be that difficult.

I didn’t get her name, but her smile will stay with me!

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I know it's been ages, Life has really happened to me and I hope your life has been beautiful too these past years? I'm not promising I'll post as regularly as I used to, but I am promising to try my best! To put out my words when I have them and enjoy the sanity that this place brings me. 

Thank you, from my heart!