Fresh start

For you who has lost yourself loving another.

I don't know who I am anymore.  I think I have forgotten who I used to be. What I used to be...
I had always been a very confident person. Cock sure of what I wanted. I knew who I was so there was no cowering at anytime. I was vivacious and bold. Daring...but now I am a pitiable shell of what I used to be.

How did I let go of myself?  Where did I get lost? How did I become this soft blob? Where did I switch my identity? I look at my image in the mirror and what I see scares me.

When did I become that kind of woman? That woman who hates to see her body because of its many imperfections. The same imperfections I used to wink at and say "I love you regardless"? When did I cower in shame at myself? Why do I suddenly see all the warts on me? When did I start to look for validation from another?
Why do I cower in shame when he comes in and I am naked? How on earth did I get to this point? I still remember how we couldn't get our hands and eyes off each other a while back. Indeed it seems like several lifetimes right now.  Our heated lovemaking sessions. The passion that permeated our very being. The look of adoration in our eyes. We were each others drug. We needed each other to survive.
Help me understand why in God's name I would want to hide from you. I couldn't get naked enough back then.  What changed?

When did you get tired of really loving me? When did the fever of our love slowly ebb away?  When did the fire burn out?
How is it possible that you have moved on and I can't just get passed what used to be? How is it that you have moved on? How did you get over the sheer wanton love. The reckless passion. The friendship?  Was any of it real to you? What about the promises you made when we were cozy and warm?  In the heat of our love?  what happened to all of that? I can't believe our vows meant so little to you.

I have stayed too long dwelling in what used to be so much that I fear the train has left the station. I have forgotten how to live because I lived my life based on your every whim.

Today, I choose to live my life again. Like the phoenix,  I will emerge from this ashes and live my life
Goodbye to that chapter where I was gullible and needy. Maybe my need was what pushed you over the edge. I'm coming out strong. I am rising from the ashes and becoming even better than the person you knew me to be.  My heart may want what it wants but my head now rules my heart.

Today I make up my mind to be independent.  I don't need validation from anyone. A strong woman can handle the curve balls life throws at her. It may be tricky; I may get wacked many times, but it won't kill me. It will only make me stronger.

Thank you for helping me become me; for making me get back to being better than what I used to be.
But first let me tell you something. Just because loving you hurts so much doesn't mean I won't open up myself to love another. Wipe the smirk of your face. Don't think for a second that you have successfully shut down my heart to the possibility of giving or receiving love. You were just a nasty experience. And like every horrible taste left from food gone bad which has been mistakenly eaten, I will love again!

I'm going back to school.
I'm starting dance class.
I'm falling in love with me again.
I'm going to fashion school.
I'm putting my catering knowledge to good use.
I'm starting my business plan.
I'm living my life.
I'm free.
I'm me.


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I wrote out this post 2 years ago when I was in a deep and dark place. Things were not as they seemed for a dear friend, She was hurting and I was hurting on her behalf. I never showed her this post, heck I didn't even talk to her much about what she was going through. All I did was pray for her so much and ask God to heal her. Looking back now, I realized I treated her as I would have wanted her to treat me, stay away for me to gather my thoughts and wits. All she wanted was a friend, all I did was give her space. I regret those years, I am not sure the damage of my behaviour has been fully restored, but she has a kind heart and forgave me (I hope).

If you ever get to read this sunshine, just know that I hurt too. I bled when you bled and oh baby girl it really hurt...but I'm so glad it happened. You found the real you and for this, I am super glad.

Love, light and laughter always!