Fresh start

For you who has lost yourself loving another.

I don't know who I am anymore.  I think I have forgotten who I used to be. What I used to be...
I had always been a very confident person. Cock sure of what I wanted. I knew who I was so there was no cowering at anytime. I was vivacious and bold. Daring...but now I am a pitiable shell of what I used to be.

How did I let go of myself?  Where did I get lost? How did I become this soft blob? Where did I switch my identity? I look at my image in the mirror and what I see scares me.

When did I become that kind of woman? That woman who hates to see her body because of its many imperfections. The same imperfections I used to wink at and say "I love you regardless"? When did I cower in shame at myself? Why do I suddenly see all the warts on me? When did I start to look for validation from another?
Why do I cower in shame when he comes in and I am naked? How on earth did I get to this point? I still remember how we couldn't get our hands and eyes off each other a while back. Indeed it seems like several lifetimes right now.  Our heated lovemaking sessions. The passion that permeated our very being. The look of adoration in our eyes. We were each others drug. We needed each other to survive.
Help me understand why in God's name I would want to hide from you. I couldn't get naked enough back then.  What changed?

When did you get tired of really loving me? When did the fever of our love slowly ebb away?  When did the fire burn out?
How is it possible that you have moved on and I can't just get passed what used to be? How is it that you have moved on? How did you get over the sheer wanton love. The reckless passion. The friendship?  Was any of it real to you? What about the promises you made when we were cozy and warm?  In the heat of our love?  what happened to all of that? I can't believe our vows meant so little to you.

I have stayed too long dwelling in what used to be so much that I fear the train has left the station. I have forgotten how to live because I lived my life based on your every whim.

Today, I choose to live my life again. Like the phoenix,  I will emerge from this ashes and live my life
Goodbye to that chapter where I was gullible and needy. Maybe my need was what pushed you over the edge. I'm coming out strong. I am rising from the ashes and becoming even better than the person you knew me to be.  My heart may want what it wants but my head now rules my heart.

Today I make up my mind to be independent.  I don't need validation from anyone. A strong woman can handle the curve balls life throws at her. It may be tricky; I may get wacked many times, but it won't kill me. It will only make me stronger.

Thank you for helping me become me; for making me get back to being better than what I used to be.
But first let me tell you something. Just because loving you hurts so much doesn't mean I won't open up myself to love another. Wipe the smirk of your face. Don't think for a second that you have successfully shut down my heart to the possibility of giving or receiving love. You were just a nasty experience. And like every horrible taste left from food gone bad which has been mistakenly eaten, I will love again!

I'm going back to school.
I'm starting dance class.
I'm falling in love with me again.
I'm going to fashion school.
I'm putting my catering knowledge to good use.
I'm starting my business plan.
I'm living my life.
I'm free.
I'm me.


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I wrote out this post 2 years ago when I was in a deep and dark place. Things were not as they seemed for a dear friend, She was hurting and I was hurting on her behalf. I never showed her this post, heck I didn't even talk to her much about what she was going through. All I did was pray for her so much and ask God to heal her. Looking back now, I realized I treated her as I would have wanted her to treat me, stay away for me to gather my thoughts and wits. All she wanted was a friend, all I did was give her space. I regret those years, I am not sure the damage of my behaviour has been fully restored, but she has a kind heart and forgave me (I hope).

If you ever get to read this sunshine, just know that I hurt too. I bled when you bled and oh baby girl it really hurt...but I'm so glad it happened. You found the real you and for this, I am super glad.

Love, light and laughter always!

So long no blog post

Wow! Its been 2 years since my last blog post here. Well, not 2 full years, but really close. 

If anyone had told me I would take a break from blogging, I would have laughed them in the face. 

For me, blogging was like a lifeline I desperately needed back when I took it up. It wasn't for fame or anything (haha, I wish I had the drive of my fellow bloggers back then), it was just a mode of release for me. I found my path and purpose through blogging...well, I like to think this. I would get lost in articles and people's posts. I found expression here, found friends, found a different time zone where I wasn't afraid of anything or anyone. 

In my blog followers, I found family. Thank you to all of you who may still see this post. Thank you for those awesome years!

I came back here for some selfish reasons though.

While life happened- (I got married, I had a baby, my work got more intense and needed more of my time, I started a business, I had more job responsibilities, I started another business, I had another baby...on and on so managing my own time was something I needed to learn all over)- deep down, I still wrote my posts in my head. I would have the first 2 paragraphs properly drafted then I would just not be able to go on. I know I still want to have an avenue to express myself and creating a new blog wasn't really very appealing. I decided to come back here remembering the great times we had together.

I know my content will change- I see life in a pretty different way now- But I'm more than ready to give it a shot.

Another reason I came back here is because I want my 2019 to be as impact driven as I can make it. I started this year with all sorts of plans and being intentional about everything is very high on that list. One of the to-do's for the year was to revamp my blog...

I honestly can't say I will be as funny, or interesting as I used to be, but I intend to try regardless of how difficult it may be. 

I also came back because of the good people (friends, family and people who reached out to me) who kept pushing me to come back. I am so humbled to think that my writing made a little part of your day back then and hope beyond hope that this new journey will be very worth your while. 

As I type, I just had a long day and a gruelling 7 hour plus of successful brainstorming sessions with my colleagues. My babies are sound asleep on this juicy hotel bed and here I am trying to keep up with my 2019 goal of blogging. I honestly want to delete that 2019 goal line conveniently, but I am a natural fighter! I do not plan to give up so easily. 

Anyway, here's a toast to a year full of great ideas, impact driven choices and of course love, laughter and light!

I love you so much.

Emaleecious!