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Thursday, July 10, 2014

My Forgiveness Story

Hello good people!
Trust you have been good? I have been good all this time too in all sense of it.

I have also been struggling with my last post. If you missed it, you can read it here. I put up a thought provoking post on forgiveness and as I went home that evening, I was battling with my mind. I had to ask myself if I had truly forgiven him for what I felt he did to me. I realized that I hadn't forgiven him. I felt it was too much to forgive. He wronged me gannnn! Kai, that kind was too much. Then I heard that quiet voice that you can't ever miss say but I forgave you of all your sins, and the event still turned out well. Why not let him go? Then my mind went unbidden to all the times he had tried to call, or reach out to us. His own way of saying sorry. I squeezed my face. It wasn't the same as saying sorry jor. Because I act like I'm sorry doesn't mean I am saying I am sorry. And the voice says OK, and lets me be. But I can tell you that since that day, I have had no peace. I knew I had to share the story with you. And by so doing, I hope to finally let go the last threads of hurt and bitterness I feel.

The Him I am talking about is none other than my Youth Pastor.
The event happened to be my wedding.
The Us I refer to is Me and hubz.

After the 2nd proposal, the time when I finally accepted, T and I met with my parents and got their consent (not a small fit considering we are inter-tribal). We made up our minds concerning the kind of wedding we wanted, where it would hold (We were "Winners" but because of the distance to the church, I started going to a Redeem Church in Berger -Solid Rock Parish). So we concluded that we would attend counselling there and inform them that we are not getting married in the church as i had to get married in my own parents church. To be honest, I was running away from counselling in Winners Chapel, It is such a tedious process, and with the distance, I wasn't looking forward to it at all. Plus I thought I could get away with it since I knew I wanted a "garden" or event wedding and not a church wedding. You see I had always had this at the back of my mind since I was little, that I didn't want a church wedding, but a wedding at a beautiful garden with a pastor officiating. My dream wedding had no aso-ebi, not more than 50 people, no rice or cooked foods whatsoever, just finger foods....Am I speaking any one's mind here?

So we started the counselling and after like 3 sessions, I decided to call my youth pastor because I still wanted my dream wedding, and he agreed to meet with T and I. So we convinced him about our dream wedding (another reason I wanted him to wed us was because I took a vow when I was under his ministry just after secondary school to keep my self for my husband. So automatically, I wanted him to be the one who would wed us) He was quite pleased when T told him why i really wanted him to officiate and agreed with us. So we stopped our Counselling Sessions at Solid Rock and started with him instead. We finished the necessary sessions, discussed our wedding program, everything was in place and on point. THEN suddenly, disaster struck. He lost his mom, an being the first son, he had to make sure the burial process went well. Unfortunately for us, the burial date was fixed for the 29th and 30th of August in Benue State. Unfortunate because our wedding date was 30th August and 1st September. How on earth was he going to pull that off? I was confused. Why did he allow the date to be fixed so close to the wedding? How on earth was he going to be in Benue State and still appear for our wedding that same day? On a good day, Benue to Lagos is about 8-9 hours by road (good roads) and the roads were far from good. Coming by Air would mean him travelling first to Enugu before coming to Lagos (Benue Airport has been closed down for as long as I can remember) and there was no guarantee that the flight wouldn't be delayed...or even available for that matter. Let's not forget that we had already stopped the RCCG counselling, so obviously no road there at all. I didn't do counselling with winners because I was so sure that I wasn't getting married there. To cap it, my Pastor said Me and T should get a plan B. Plan B ke? He said we should get another pastor to wed us. How on earth could that happen? Where will I manufacture a pastor from? Of course no church would want to wed us under such short notice. Which kain talk be dat abeg? I came to you for help, you said you could help, at the last minute, when the wedding invite had long gone out and all that you said you couldn't help? Bitterness like I never knew it and fear came upon me. 

Guess the worst part of it? This was a week to the wedding. Then I knew what Trouble meant.
While everyone was running around doing last minute planning, I didn't bother myself, I was looking for Pastor to borrow. Like for real. It wasn't funny. Thank God for family! My brother in law called his friend and pastor at HOTR who was unfortunately out of town. He tried another one, who unfortunately had an assignment with his head pastor that same Saturday. that Pastor then linked us up to his friend who asked us to come meet him at his lodge somewhere in Surulere. When we got there, he wanted to know the whole story so we told him and begged him to please help us. He finally agreed and said he would do it just because it was his good friend that asked. He then asked for our names, asked to see our wedding programme and invite. At that point, I was cursing myself for thinking that all dreams had to come true. Shebi if I had done normal church wedding, all this wouldn't have happened? So he saw my surname on the programme and asked me some questions, turns out he knew my elder sister way back in school. Needless to say he agreed to wed us. Hallelujah!!! And he also gave a very stern warning. He promised that if by the time he got to the venue we were not on ground, he would turn back and go. Ah! Go ke? I drummed it in the heads of my bridesmaids till even me I was tired of the sound of my voice. No pictures, no videos, we barely had breakfast. I rushed my make up artist forgot to go to my dad to bless me before the whole event. All because we borrowed a pastor. And when there was a little bit of traffic on the way there, I almost started crying. I begged God not to disgrace me like that. Imagine not having a pastor bless you at the wedding?

Good thing, we got there on time, the wedding went well, and I didn't have to beg any random person to bless us. The good thing is He officiated in such a way that my mum was finally at peace. She had been holding her breath all this while we were looking for pastor to bless us and was wondering if the madness would stop anytime soon.

Anyway, 2 days after the wedding, the original pastor calls us to find out how we were doing. I refused to talk to him but T (God bless his heart did) and he acted normal. I.couldn't.act.normal. Nothing was normal. How on earth do you do that? He didn't even call before the wedding/during the wedding/or immediately after the wedding to find out how far. He didn't volunteer to send us a pastor to wed us. He didn't care period. And suddenly, he calls to find out how we are doing? Abeg, I don't do that.
He kept calling and I kept up with my attitude till T had to intervene. I asked him how he could be ok with it, he said, "we are married now, aren't we? If the wedding didn't happen, maybe I would have a right to act like you, but it did happen and we are happy. Deal with it". Mehn, I won't lie, I couldn't deal with it. It took a long while before I was able to talk to him on phone. A very long while, almost a year after I think. Talking about it no longer hurts as bad as it used to, but I am trying to get my release. 

But now I know better. If God can forgive me for all I have done, then how much more me? To be honest, it isn't easy. I want to hold on to it, but if I do that, I can't move forward. I will have to hold on to that spot and stay there and neglect moving forward. I will honestly tell you that I haven't forgotten it, but its easier to talk about it now without getting all emotional or having heartburn in the process.
Today, I choose to let him go and move on. He is man after all!

Have you had a hard time forgiving anyone? Have you finally forgiven the person(s) involved? Please share your experience at the comment section.


  1. Hmmm...I had to just read this...I read through the whole thing and I was having heart burn putting myself in your shoes and imagining that I was the one going through all you did shortly before your wedding and not even being at rest hours before it...God blesses people with their
    better halves no doubt cause your hubby sounds just like mine..It is so easy for mine to let go of painful issues but me...heylelelele! Being with him for 4 years and counting has helped me become better in the art of letting go.

    Sometime back I was very upset with a member of my family and normally when I'm that upset I just remove that person from my life. I do it in my mind, I do it physically...I do one or both, usually both.

    One day I had a dream and in it I was walking to my house (father's house at the time) and at the junction leading to the street I saw this person sitting and I said my greetings and as I continued on my journey, she called out to me and asked why I hadn't forgiven her...I said I had but she insisted I hadnt. I woke up shortly after and then searched my heart really well...truth is I thought I had actually forgiven her. But the dream was so piercing that when I woke up I revisited the issue and found that I was living in unforgiveness. The days that followed had me asking God to help me truly forget and forgive for good this time.

    We used to be really close...I learnt almost everything from her and I loved her so much because she was so multiskilled..could sew, could knit, could weave, could sing, told wonderful stories, really cared...she was the best but one day she hurt me really bad..what she did damaged my image, I was young but I never forgot because it was assumed that because I was just a teenager it dint matter. I felt this person took my love for granted and in teue african religion she never apologised instead she allowed me face the consequences of the issues she accused me of. Things I was innocent about.

    I understand why God had to give me that never knew how deep into my soul the unforgiveness had sank..I could still be walking about today not even knowing that I hadnt truly forgiven

    She is my grandma and now all I focus on is all the things I love about her. I'm glad she got to meet my daughter, I'm sad our relationship came to a halt at the time it did because now she's old and well she's lost time but Im grateful for the past before the incident.

    Thanks for sharing Ema!

  2. Blessings...
    Have you ever considered that he was not suppose to marry you? It would have been nice if he had started with an apology when he called, just to let you know that he cared. But hon he lost his mother and you yourself said he is the first son and had to see to everything. I feel you, this was your special day, God see that it all worked out well. Just for a moment, put yourself in his shoes (just so you can understand) and you lost your mom, do you think you would remember anything? You would be swallowed up with grief. Just saying.

    Forgiveness its not easy, but its not for the other person really but for us, the ones that hold to the issue and cant let go, it is so that we can be free, that we can truly live and move on.

    Have a blessed week.

  3. In June 2006/2007 - cnt remember -, some1 close to my family really hurt us. I discovered it, bt never told any1. I ws hurt and I hated like av never done. D kind of hate dt threatened to suffocate me. Some months down d line, God decided I had suffered enough with d hatred. He ministered to me thru my Pastor one sunday. Bt trust humans nw, I cldnt jst heed dt voice. E hard meehhn. By God's Grace, I prayed and prayed, and I ws able to forgive n forget. E no easy to forgive o. Na God walai


  4. I agree with @Rhapsody...the pastor had his own challenges too and may not have been able to make you understand what he was going through. Yours was your happy day while his was a sad one. These days when people hurt me, I kinda try to put myself in their shoes and make excuses for them so the hurt won't be too much for me to handle. Thank God you are happily married now and thank God you have found it in your heart to forgive him. God bless you dear.