Screaming Quietly

I'm going to put this here because I know no one reads this page. 

I'm not self-deprecating; it is simply the blatant truth. A truth I've known for years, yet somehow, I still held onto the hope that someone, somewhere, still visited this little corner of the internet.  But this is a story for another day. 

Right now, I came here to scream quietly. 

I need to physically scream, but I can't. So instead, I will scream with my words. I will lock it up and leave it here. Maybe someday, I will revisit this post and talk about what happened after. Right now, I am stuck. In a rut.

I feel it.

I am surrounded by it.

It feels like my life is at a standstill while everyone else passes by in a blur.

 I have tried to stay positive.

Tried to pray, to hold on to hope. To believe that a miracle would happen. To be fair, many miracles have happened around me, and even for me. But the one thing I deeply desire still remains unanswered. 

I have held on for so long that the ropes are thinning out. My hands are bruised from the sheer strength of holding on. I can’t keep up. 

I have gradually lost everyone who truly mattered to me, and now, somehow, I am all alone. I have no one to talk to.

No one calls at weird hours just to laugh.

No one to ask for advice.

No one to pray with, or pray for me.

I am alone, and it hurts.

It hurts so badly.

I am unemployed, broke, and lonely.

The days blur into each other, and lately, all I feel is a heaviness.

What am I here for?

Why am I still here?

What do I even do next?

Yesterday, I had a beautiful moment with my family. We went to Niagara Falls and got on the Maid of the Mist. It was breathtaking! Being one with nature, surrounded by so much power and beauty, was so incredible that it felt surreal.

 But somewhere on the journey back to base, a deep sadness settled inside me.

 How could I be surrounded by so many people and still feel this alone?